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You miss Lilly – you can’t really figure out how to stop. People think it’s easy, you know, to just pick up and move on after you lose somebody, but here’s the truth: it’s not.

Anticlimactic, you know.

The thing is, after Lilly died, everything changed. Not just changed, fell apart – and not just your life, either. The whole structure of Neptune sort of collapsed, and it stopped being a town that you really actually liked and turned into something that now, you hardly even recognize. Maybe it’s because you had to grow up too fast or maybe it’s because everybody else changed at the same time, but Neptune’s metamorphosed into a completely new and hateful place, and as much as you’d like to place the blame on Logan or Lamb, there’s really no single guilty party.

Probably it’s just that things change. For better, for worse, nothing ever stays the same. You’re okay with that, you can’t really expect it to – all you can do is change with it. So you chop off your hair, you develop a badass attitude and you become someone as new and unrecognizable as Neptune is and you don’t even realize that subconsciously you’re just trying to be Lilly.

Trying but failing. You’ve taken Lilly Kane, your very best friend – your dead best friend – and you’ve buffed away the rough edges and you’ve slipped into an imitation of her. It’s so good that you don’t even notice. If you did, you might stop and realize that not only are you bastardizing her memory but Veronica Mars has gotten completely lost in Veronica Mars version 2.0 – Lilly Kane.

If Lilly were here she’d be delighted – for about five minutes.

And even though you’ve got the whole “being Lilly” thing pretty much down, it takes you a while to figure it out, and when you do – that’s when you start to recognize your betrayal. You love Lilly. You’ll always love Lilly. And she’ll always be a part of you.

But she’s not you, Veronica. You’re alive.

So live.
veronica_mars: (Default)
Everybody's got their breaking point – for some people, the moment is obvious. There's a click, a realization, and it's over just like that. For other people it's not like that. Like for me.

There's this old saying. I'm sure you've heard it: "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." Sure there are variations, but no matter how you twist it around, it's true. If somebody screws you over (or just plain screws you) it stands to reason that they're going to do it again and if you're fool enough to hang around and let them do it? Well, that's your problem. Or, my problem, as it goes.

You see, my mother never told me that I could be Duncan Kane's half-sibling. Through the whole time we dated, every day that I spent falling just a little bit more in love with him, coming a little bit closer to losing my virginity to him, mom never said a word. Then Duncan broke things off without telling me why. Hurt me once – shame on you.

I'd like to think that if Lilly hadn't been murdered then things would have happened differently. Duncan wouldn't have retreated into himself the way that he did and we would've gotten through everything together. I mean, we weren't related, not really – no matter what his ice bitch mother was trying to tell him. If he'd just confided in me, all of the issues could have been worked out. But of course he didn't confide in me and Lilly did die and I was ostracized for over a year.

So much for "together forever" and the fairytale I'd let myself believe in.

The issue becomes this: if we'd just broken up and stayed that way, I'm not sure that things wouldn't have turned out a lot better than they did. Maybe if I'd skipped out on Shelly Pomroy's party instead of forcing myself to prove something; I wouldn't have gotten raped - and then "raped" by Duncan (but violation is violation, no matter how you spin it) and my life would have been a little less hellish over the next year

Or maybe it wouldn't have. Who am I to judge?

The thing is, if I'd learned my lesson, you know, tried a little harder to let go – then we never would have gotten back together. Meg would never have been on that bus. She'd still be alive. Duncan would still be here and he'd be with her. I'd probably have something a little less perfect but a little bit more valid and I wouldn't look out at the ocean and wonder where my first love was, and if he was thinking about me.

It took me a long time to find my breaking point – too long. I should have learned my lesson a long time ago.


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December 2007

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