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[personal profile] veronica_mars
You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Sound cliche? Well, maybe a little. But as far as I know, nobody's written a song about knowing exactly what you had all along until the second that you picked it up and threw it out the window. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it just lack romance?

Anyway, cheesy eighties song or no, I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that pretty much everything that's happened in the past few years can easily be summed up by Cinderella and their heartfelt howling. I guess it's life, you know, taking things for granted and letting them slip through your fingers, but you'd think I'd have learned by now.

First Lilly, then Mom, my virginity - maybe there weren't warning signs and maybe there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent everything that happened in 2003, but that didn't prevent me wracking my brain for alternatives. It's the whole denial thing, the bargaining. What if, if only, if you make me not be raped, God, I promise to be nice to Logan Echolls for a week.

But bargaining didn't bring Lilly back and it sure as hell didn't restore my hymen to its original and pristine packaging. You'd think, though, after all that I went through, I'd hold on a little bit tighter to the things that mattered most. That maybe, you know, just maybe? I'd not take the little things - or even the big things - for granted.

I mean, I almost lost Wallace. He bailed on me and nobody could blame him. Meg died. Duncan ran off to Australia with Meg's baby. And through everything, all I could do was watch as everyone I cared about slipped away.

And even after everything that had happened, I never appreciated any of it when it was here. Duncan, Meg... even Wallace somehow managed to slip into the background while I continued building walls and just got more and more self-involved. Everything I had always expected to be here vanished, one piece at a time.

And every single time, even though I should have been - in some cases even was - expecting it, it still felt like my heart was getting torn out. It isn't easy to live like that, looking around and seeing nothing but holes where there should be people.

You really don't know what you've got until it's gone. Those empty places stay empty no matter how much you crowd yourself with other people, with jackasses and PCHers and hackers, and no matter how much you care about the new and the old you can't forget about what's missing.

Your friends, your family, pieces of you that have fallen away and will never come back. You carry those scars and you carry that weight.

And if you're lucky - really lucky - you'll learn from your mistakes. I just wish I could figure out how to do that.


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December 2007

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