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[personal profile] veronica_mars
I've had a couple of close calls. More than a couple, really. I guess you could call it a few, which is just a little too close for comfort. It’s like, once you survive a psychotic movie star, once you just miss a bus crash, once you don’t get killed by the gun-wielding wannabe mobsters, once the deeply disturbed teenager doesn’t manage to push you off a roof, what’s next? How much more can you possibly survive before your number is going to just be up already?

So far I’ve been lucky – if that’s the word you want to use. People have been at the right place at the right time, but somehow I don’t think that my dad’s always going to be around to save me. Neither is Logan. And while I’m capable of many things, I’ve learned the hard way that PI skills and a taser generally aren’t the tools required to extract one safely from a life or death situation.

Lilly died because she was a little too careless about some things but she was still – I almost died for practically the same reason that she did. She stole the tapes that Aaron Echolls had made of the two of them having sex and refused to give them back. Lilly had a smart and sassy mouth. When I found them it was exactly the same deal, only my death would’ve been much worse than Lilly’s. You think a little bit of congealed blood on the side of your head is bad?

Imagine being barbequed alive.

God, nobody I haunted would’ve been happy to see me.

These days I feel like I’m walking around with a gun between my shoulder blades, just waiting for somebody to pull the trigger. Maybe that’s why I can’t just get back to my old self. There’s that soft, gooey center just bubbling down inside of me but I keep quashing it down and pushing people away.

I imagine Lilly, wherever she is, happy and free. Whenever I dream about her the blood is gone, and she’s out of that stupid pep squad uniform. She’s Lilly again, which means that we can all move on down here.

It won’t be for too long, though. I have a feeling I’ll be joining her soon enough.

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veronica_mars

December 2007

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