Sep. 8th, 2006

veronica_mars: (Default)
Everybody who comes into Mars Investigations is looking for something – a long lost friend, a long lost lover, or even a lost pet. But the majority of people who walk into my dad’s office are convinced of one thing: that their significant other is cheating on them, and they’re willing to pay us a good amount of money for proof of their partner’s indiscretion. These people and their all-too-keen senses of betrayal have led to my spending more than one late night parked outside the Camelot, or some other sleazy motel, camera in hand and homework in the passenger seat, waiting patiently for the money shot so that I could go home and crash.

It was rare that the suspicious partner’s fears were unfounded, which really makes the PI business a depressing one to go into. Above all, it paints a really bleak picture of potential healthy relationships – if all of these people can’t succeed in love, what makes me think that there’s hope for me?

I try to be an optimist, really I do. I’ve taken my chance in love more than once, but I don’t exactly have genetics on my side. My mother was just another cheating wife, attempting to hide her secret trysts at the Camelot Motel with her high school sweetheart, Jake Kane. And let’s face it, my track record isn’t exactly perfect, either. I was still dating Leo the day I kissed Logan at – actually, the Camelot.

I believe in monogamy. I believe that if you find somebody that you love, you owe it to them to be faithful to them – or at least to be honest with them and tell them that it’s over before you run away. But in a town like Neptune, full of trophy wives and sleazy businessmen, honesty isn’t exactly anybody’s top priority.

I just know that I don’t want to end up on the other side of Vinnie Van Lowe’s camera lens. I’m better than that.

Muse: Veronica Mars
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Word Count: 327
veronica_mars: (Default)
After Lilly died, I still saw her all the time. I never told anybody about it, not even my dad – it just would’ve worried him and I probably would have ended up in therapy. Besides. I never figured that it was all that strange. I assumed that even members of the psychiatric community wouldn’t find it entirely unreasonable that my dead best friend would appear constantly, that she would make wisecracks and flip her hair just like she’d never been murdered.

It’s not like I didn’t know it was all in my head. Part of it, I think, was my own guilt, spurring me on to find her killer and bring him to justice. Mostly, I think I just missed my best friend. Once she – or, well, my hallucination of Lilly – told me that her soul was doomed to walk the earth until justice had been served. I don’t know if that was true or not, but I’ve often wondered if I let that get in the way of my investigation. If I maybe let my hallucinations hold me back because I wanted to keep Lilly with me for a little while longer.

Now I don’t think so. Not really, anyway. I always knew that she wasn’t really there and that nothing was going to bring her back and that I was doing all I could do for her by just finding the person who’d taken her away from me. But it’s been something to think about.

Besides, Lilly hasn’t left me. Part of her is always going to be with me, looking out for me. Preventing me from ending up like she did. And that’s real.

Muse: Veronica Mars
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Word Count: 277
veronica_mars: (Default)
You miss Lilly – you can’t really figure out how to stop. People think it’s easy, you know, to just pick up and move on after you lose somebody, but here’s the truth: it’s not.

Anticlimactic, you know.

The thing is, after Lilly died, everything changed. Not just changed, fell apart – and not just your life, either. The whole structure of Neptune sort of collapsed, and it stopped being a town that you really actually liked and turned into something that now, you hardly even recognize. Maybe it’s because you had to grow up too fast or maybe it’s because everybody else changed at the same time, but Neptune’s metamorphosed into a completely new and hateful place, and as much as you’d like to place the blame on Logan or Lamb, there’s really no single guilty party.

Probably it’s just that things change. For better, for worse, nothing ever stays the same. You’re okay with that, you can’t really expect it to – all you can do is change with it. So you chop off your hair, you develop a badass attitude and you become someone as new and unrecognizable as Neptune is and you don’t even realize that subconsciously you’re just trying to be Lilly.

Trying but failing. You’ve taken Lilly Kane, your very best friend – your dead best friend – and you’ve buffed away the rough edges and you’ve slipped into an imitation of her. It’s so good that you don’t even notice. If you did, you might stop and realize that not only are you bastardizing her memory but Veronica Mars has gotten completely lost in Veronica Mars version 2.0 – Lilly Kane.

If Lilly were here she’d be delighted – for about five minutes.

And even though you’ve got the whole “being Lilly” thing pretty much down, it takes you a while to figure it out, and when you do – that’s when you start to recognize your betrayal. You love Lilly. You’ll always love Lilly. And she’ll always be a part of you.

But she’s not you, Veronica. You’re alive.

So live.


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December 2007

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